i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
