I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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