The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
