i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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