im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
