dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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