I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Randomize
