I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
