She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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