Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
