Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
