Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
