Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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