we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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