Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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