The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
