Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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