I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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