you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
