How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
