your room smells of hookers.
And success
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
