My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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