I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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