The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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