Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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