my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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