I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She bit a glass in half.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
