so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
