You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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