when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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