I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
