i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you had me at cake vodka
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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