a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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