I wanna passion pit in your ass
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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