shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
