I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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