Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
