Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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