I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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