forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
