i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
