Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
