i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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