dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Randomize
