My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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