I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
