I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
