the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
