i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
