sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
