Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
