Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
