How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
