I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
