i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
