Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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