Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
