I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
