Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
